Little Jay

Little Jay wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl at school.... but she was dating someone else. One day little Jay got so frustrated that he went to her and said, "I'll give you a $50 if you let me have sex with you."

The girl looked at him, then said, "NO!"

Little Jay said, "I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up."

She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend. So she called him and explained the situation. Her boyfriend says,"Ask him for $100, then pick up the money really fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down."

So she agreed and accepted little Jay's proposal.

Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what happened....

Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, "The bastard had all quarters!"

Club Sask

We came across this site recently and thoroughly enjoyed the content. The humour at ClubSask.com is largely tongue-in cheek and, like this blog, I would suggest that you not take anything there too seriously. To quote from Scott Jacques, the creator of  the web site "I've had a few complaints over the years, (my philosophy - if you can't laugh at yourself, then you're not a true Saskatchewanian) but I think most people can appreciate the humour and don't mind a little fun being poked at them. Mind you, things get touchy when it comes to the Riders!"

In addition to some of the jokes, we really like the t-shirts and are considering ordering a set for the NSE wives.

Club Sask Official T-Shirt.

Club Sask

Canoe Routes For The Drunk And On Drugs

Here is a different sort of trip reporting...

http://www.drunkandondrugscanoeroutes.ca/

Northstar Expeditions Meets Kingston Kayak Instruction

The following was previously posted on Bryan's Blog and describes a course we took in June of 2008.

NorthStar Expeditions is the official name for a group of 4 guys (including myself) that I canoe trip with every year. This spring, as a Father's Day gift, our wives signed us up for kayak lessons through Viki at Kingston Kayak Instruction. Some of our group had a bit of experience but mostly we're fairly novice paddlers when it comes to kayaks so we signed up for the Flatwater Skills course. The course included a session discussing various aspects of boats and paddling, a pool session, and most of last Saturday was spent on the water at Pike Lake. Getting the opportunity to practice rescues in a pool was a great way to get comfortable in the water where tipping over in the kayak becomes play. The highlight of the pool session was jumping off of the 5 meter platform - that's a long way down and a lot of time spent falling to think about regrets. Jay jumped off of the 7 meter platform and he said it was a big step up from 5 m. Thankfully, the 10 m platform was closed.

Saturday at Pike Lake the day started off pretty nice with warm and sunny skies, but eventually thunderstorms and rain rolled in (as previously posted). The rain really didn't matter too much since we were spending the afternoon largely in the water anyway. A bit warmer might have been nice but it was OK. My outfit for the afternoon while we were wet and practicing rescue techniques was a "shorty" wet suit, a polyester t-shirt, cycling sleeves (arm warmers), PFD, paddling gloves, with my light cycling jacket thrown over top of everything (I didn't realise how odd the jacket over everything made me look until I saw the pictures later - think red beach ball with a head on top). I tried goggles for about 30 seconds but they immediately filled with water.

After getting pretty confident with our "eskimo rescues" (aka T-rescue) I decided it was time for an impromptu test. While paddling fast alongside Jay, I called over to him and asked "Jay, are you paying attention?" He looked over and said "yeah" or perhaps it was "nah" or maybe "huh?" I promptly flipped over (while still under steam) and began banging on my kayak hull, the signal that I need assistance. My thought was that Jay would just paddle right over and present his bow for me to grab onto allowing me to right myself without leaving the cockpit of the kayak. Only problem is that Jay was paddling fast in the slowest turning kayak in the group. By the time he even realised what was going on, I was under water, banging on my boat and moving my hands back and forth waiting for the sudden appearance of his bow in my hand. Everything also seems to go a little slower while your are hanging upside down under water. I quickly ran out of breath and had to wet exit. By the time I came up in the water alongside my kayak, Jay was rounding the turn in his kayak and just about on his way over to me. Well I guess it ended up being a good practice of assisted re-entry techniques.

At the end of the class our families found us and took some photos. Unfortunately the batteries on our camera were dying so the videos that my wife took didn't turn out.

In the photo below the class is grouped around Viki who is wrapping things up.
Viki and the others head back while the 4 guys paddle over to the families.
NorthStar Expeditions

Using the water pumps to spray the kids.

Coming Home

Jay's hobby was fishing. He spent all his weekends near the river or by the lake, paying no attention to weather. One Sunday, early in the morning, he went to the river as usual. It was cold and raining, so he decided to return back to his house. Jay went inside and headed to his bedroom, undressed and lay near his wife. The lights were off and he snuggled up behind her. She didn't even turn around. "What terrible weather today, Honey," he said to her. "Yes, she answered. "And my idiot husband went fishing."

2010 Plans?

As previously mentioned on the NSE blog, 2010 is a big year for Northstar Expeditions. It's our tenth year of paddling together so we want to do something a bit bigger than we had in the past. We are thinking a bit longer, and a bit farther afield, than our usual 4 day trips. And unlike our infamous April Fools Trip, this one is bounded by the realities of time, money, and practicality. However, this year we might even fly!

So, we are looking for suggestions. Here are the criteria and considerations:

1. 5-7 days.
2. If a flight is involved, it's gotta be a cheap one.
3. We're 4 generally fit guys, but we're not super ambitious and we are not used to packing light (relates to point 7).
4. Fish, the more the merrier.
5. Starting within 600 km of Saskatoon (Missinipe, 460km away, is our usual launching point).
6. Some whitewater (to play in and fish below) would be good (Class II+).
7. Major nasty portages would not be good.
8. We're OK with a layover day or two (relates to points 3 & 4).
9. We'll be paddling in September so there must still be water in the river.
10. Paddling on the shield is preferred. 
11. Trip costs should be kept moderately low (we know, that's a relative thing).
12. No international borders should intentionally be crossed. 
13. We usually travel with only one vehicle so if a shuttle is required we probably would be hiring it.

Some ideas we have had in mind so far are the Paull River back to Missinipe (fly-in), Needle Falls or Black Bear Island Lake on the Churchill River back to Missinipe (fly-in), Nemeiban to Churchill River and back to Missinipe (drive-in), Sturgeon-Weir (drive-in with long shuttle), ...

Here is the Government of Saskatchewan Documented Canoe Routes page which is a very handy resource for trip planning in this region (Jay has a complete set of print copies which date back about 30 years). We also have a copy of the book Northern Saskatchewan Canoe Trips, A Guide to 15 Wilderness Rivers by Laurel Archer so will be browsing through that resource too.

If you have any good ideas or want to cast your vote for a route we would love to hear from you!

I Think Jay Likes It!

A while ago, back when the weather was nice and the rain less constant, half of the NSE crew enjoyed some pulled pork and a "bacon explosion" from the smoker. I wrote about it in my regular blog and you can find it with pictures at http://pawistik.blogspot.com/2010/04/pulled-pork.html.

Swimming

"I thought I told you to keep an eye on Jay", Sheri said to Rod. "Where is he?" "Well," Rod replied thoughtfully, "if Jay knows as much about canoeing as he thinks he does, he's out canoeing. If he knows as little as I think he does, he's out swimming."

Wear A Sweater

Four married guys go fishing. After an hour or two on the water, the following conversation took place. Rod: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend." Jay: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck with a hot-tub." Rob: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her, again." They continue to fish when they realized that Bryan has not said a word. So they asked him "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. "What's the deal?" Bryan: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, "Fishing or Sex" and she said, "Wear a Sweater."

An April Fools Adventure

A couple of weeks ago, on April 1st, NSE announced it's big plans for a grand expedition. This trip was big - over 3000km, the first thousand of which was across the prairie and farmland of Saskatchewan following creeks, ditches and small rivers. Some of the route was standard fare having been utilised by natives and fur-traders for hundreds of years or more. Other parts of the trip were a little more unique and off the beaten path. Most of that first 1000km is only navigable during a narrow window of spring runoff. Furthermore, the 1000km estimate for the first third was highly conservative - we simply got tired of measuring all those meanders in the small rivers. Finally, to make things even more grand, we chose to do the trip in a direction that would ensure that most of the trip was uphill! (We had to hit the southern waterways early while there was still some water left in them.)

Our announcement garnered a lot of response (which was our goal, after all). Some very supportive, others incredulous, some incensed. And, when they learned that it was all a big April Fools joke, some were down right ticked off. We thought certain aspects would have tipped people off to the false nature of the post, but evidently not everyone got it. For instance, our sponsors included not only the Saskatchewan Roughriders, but also the Canadian Wheat Board. Now it's a pretty far stretch to imagine the Riders sponsoring a canoe trip, but the CWB? A certain brother of mine was apparently ready to write a letter of protest to the CWB expressing his degree of outrage that the CWB would be directing any form of sponsorship toward a canoe trip. Other friends of the group were ticked off at being asked to financially support our venture. 

We had some good responses in the comments section of the original post, on facebook, and via e-mail. For posterity and your enjoyment, we'll post some of the responses we had here.

CP: Slightly insane - and VERY impressive. I look forward to your pictures!

BH: Are you paddling or poling? I heard that poling is the new thing and paddling is so yesterday.

RB: That is in-freakin-credible! You have to get a sponsor who will keep you linked up the whole time so that you can blog it all!

BS Reply: You might even say it's un-freakin-believable! Happy April 1st!

RB Reply: jack ass!

SS: Will you be doing it on a weekend? I might be interested if I could be back by supper on Sunday.

JY: Wow! Make sure you have passports with you for that first leg – and be careful how you brandish your paddles south of the border! Very impressive trip – but maybe for the 20 year trip you can paddle over the 4 corners of the province.

LD: All I have to say is that is a LOT of girl's weekends for me and K!!

JS: WOW! I’m glad you’re starting out early.  I’m from Carrot River and it’s barebones by summer, and I sense this is going to be hot, dry sucker, also the mossies are the size of ravens along it.  Those northeast creeks are going to be, uh, fun…. I hope you like beaver.
Are you going to do Blue Sky [local CBC Radio] reports?
...Ric isn’t familiar with this first part of the route, by the way.

BS Reply: J., I can't believe Ric isn't familiar with that route. It's a famous route well documented by the Hutterite paddlers at the turn of the century.

CN: I think I paddled Yellow Grass Ditch one spring a long long time ago, back when EVERYTHING in Middle Earth was flat.
Remember to take a hard right at the dead cow.

WD: That plan truly is EPIC ! ...one week per leg? How do you guys manage to schedule this?

DB: Hey Jay, I'll offer you all the moral support in the world, and usually financial is not too hard to come by, but I think I better draw the line at paying for my buddy's holidays...:)

MB: (After the joke was revealed) What’s really annoying about all of this were my immediate plans to sneak away for a part of the summer and join the expedition…
The fact that you spent hours creating a trip that couldn’t exist says a lot about you though.  I’m not sure what, but definitely something.

SS: You guys are a bunch of punks.  Good one.  I must say though, it speaks to our overestimation of your stamina & canoeing ability.  And our ignorance of what is physically possible for a bunch of beer-guzzling goofballs.

IB: Wow, that is some trip. How many beers did it take for you to come up with that route, and how many are you taking with you. I suspect that you are pulling a bit of an April fools joke on us? But if not, maybe I can sign on for the Clearwater River section of your route.

RZ: You had me. I was thinking "Epic" and trying to imagine how much time and effort it would take to do it. I guess that I'm just too willing to believe that some people go on these amazing expeditions. Good one.

Fishing For a Sale

A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. In fact it was the biggest store in the world - you could get anything there. The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman before?" "Yes, I was a salesman in the country" said the lad. The boss liked the cut of him and said, "You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you when we close up."

The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o'clock came around. The boss duly fronted up and asked, "How many sales did you make today?" "One," said the young salesman. "Only one?" blurted the boss, "most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?" "Three hundred thousand dollars," said the young man. "How did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss. "Well," said the salesman "this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one. I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him the new Deluxe Cruiser."

The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?" "No," answered the salesman "He came in to buy a box of Tampons for his wife and I said to him, 'Your weekend's shot, you may as well go fishing.'"

NSE 2010 Expedition Plans Revealed

2010 is a big year for Northstar Expeditions. It's our 10th year of tripping together so we want to do it right and we figured this was THE year to go big or go home.

2010 Four Borders Expedition

It's taken a lot of hard work and planning (we just spent the whole weekend preparing and stockpiling jerky) , but we are finally ready to reveal what's in store this year. We are looking at a major expedition. Our goal: to cross all four borders of our home province, Saskatchewan. Yup, that's right we are going to hit the southern, eastern, western and northern borders of our giant rectangular province. We will start in the south and work our north, hitting the eastern and western borders as we go.

View Larger Map

Here is our route plan: We will start early in the season by paddling on Long Creek near Crosby, ND, across the border into Saskatchewan and onto Boundary Dam. From there, it's into the Souris River to Weyburn and into Yellow Grass Ditch (that's right, a ditch with a name, and the best part about it is that it skips all the damn oxbows we've been weaving through for the previous 160km! Oh, how we will grow to love/hate those oxbows), back into the Souris River to Wascana Creek. This we will follow downriver through Regina (right past my uncle's house) and on (right past another uncle's house) to the junction with the Qu'Appelle River at Lumsden to Mountain Creek at Craven to Last Mountain Lake, into Lanigan Creek which we will paddle upstream to Delwood Brook, portage into Wolverine Creek (which flows two directions), to Humboldt Lake and on via the Wolverine to Ranch Lake (locally Ranch Slough). The Wolverine will take 50% of NSE right past the farms where they grew up and we will be stopping in for a couple of meals, equipment repairs, resupply, and a few beer. From Ranch Slough we will continue on to Eagle Lake via a series of ditches, sloughs and gravel road portages. We leave Eagle Lake via Melfort Creek (from which point our prairie traverse will certainly get easier) to the Carrot River. The Carrot River will be our meandering highway for a while as we paddle out of the prairie farmland and enter the forest! To this point, we will have traveled somewhere over 1000km.

Leg 1 - 1000 km of meandering creeks, sloughs and reservoirs, with at least one gravel road portage.

Satellite view of Leg 1.

Leg 2 of our journey has us continuing down the Carrot River (in the forest now and we will be encountering our first real rapids of the trip) past the Sipanok Channel (access to Sask River) and on into Manitoba, where we will enter into the Saskatchewan River at The Pas, MB. From there, we paddle just as the voyageur's did, upriver on the Saskatchewan River back into Saskatchewan and entering Cumberland Lake and the Sturgeon-Weir River system at Cumberland House. The voyageur highway takes us up the Sturgeon-Weir River to Namew Lake, Amisk Lake, past Pawistik Lodge, Mirond Lake, Pelican Lake, and Wood Lake, crossing the famous Frog Portage into the Churchill River system at Trade Lake. From there it's upriver on the Churchill westward across the province all the way to Lac La Loche (end of Leg 2, a distance of some 1200 km).

Leg 2 - Out of the prairie and into the boreal forest and onto the shield.

Satellite view of Leg 2.

From Lac La Loche we will continue on the voyageur highway and cross the infamous Methye Portage into the westward-flowing Clearwater River. After having fun in some of the Clearwater's rapids, we will join the Athabasca River at Fort Mac (Fort McMurray), a good location to re-supply and perhaps earn some trip money by working a few days in the Alberta Tar Sands. The Athabasca River will take us to Fort Chip and Lake Athabasca, and once again, back into Saskatchewan. We will follow the beautiful south shore of Lake Athabasca (maybe I will try to show the others where I caught that 35 pound trout), passing the Athabasca Sand Dunes, and travel upstream on the Fond du Lac River to the Grease River which will take us northeast to the Straight River. The Straight will connect us to Selwyn Lake where we will make cross the border into  the Northwest Territories, several kilometers before we dip back into Saskatchewan, finishing our trip at a hot tub in Selwyn Lake Lodge (Leg 3 total over 950 km). Whew, that's a lot of waterways!

Final leg of our epic voyage.

Of course we will be posting updates as we get closer to launch time and may even update things as we go when the opportunity allows.

NSE would like to thank our sponsors: (And there is always room for more sponsors!)